Chelsea Leigh Trescott on how we need to reframe heartbreak

Meet Chelsea Leigh Trescott

Breakup Coach, Advice Columnist, and Podcast Host of Thank You Heartbreak, Chelsea Leigh Trescott sees breaking points as our greatest opportunity to wise up, rise up, and become meaningful, relatable human beings who are stronger in love, life, and character. With this pursuit in mind, she’s devoted to helping her clients and listeners “Breakupward” in the face of change and heartbreak of any kind. 

Extracts are taken from the transcript of the podcast recording

CLT [00:01:21] [00:01:21]Well, I say that my longest relationship is with New York City, so I live in New York City. It’s my happy place and I’m a Break-Up coach. But my whole kind of premise around that is breaking upward. So that was always the motto that came into my head.  It’s about aspects of ourselves that we need to break up with and to kind of advance us, elevate us to the next stage of our life. I also have a podcast called Thank You Heartbreak, and that goes beyond romantic heartbreak as well. It’s topics like, you know, addiction, recovery, someone in a family that died, Oh my God, I’ve interviewed people that have had accidents where they lost three limbs. And so it really covers it all. But it’s you know, how are we grateful for the transformation? And also, my own thing, which relates to your podcast is how does heartbreak turn us into more meaningful and relatable human beings? [62.6s]

CLT [00:44:10] [00:44:10]You know, one of the best things and it’s the hardest thing because during heartbreak I think we become afraid of the emotions that we’re feeling. I think that also we want to know that we really feel this way. But the thing that has been most helpful and it can be scary, is allowing yourself to feel at all. Feel it or don’t resist it. Let it break your heart. And people that come into our lives, I mean, it’s a gift, even if it’s heartbreak. After that, they’re an invitation to feel, and the feelings of sadness or disappointment or confusion are the very things that connect us with people. It’s a softness. It keeps us soft. And rather than letting heartbreak harden us, how can we allow it to ground us? [49.6s]

FD [01:02:13] [01:02:13]It’s interesting how your environment and your values can change. Often the perception and the judgment somebody then has  those moments, getting really straight on your values is probably quite crucial. [51.7s]

CLT [01:03:06] [01:03:06]I think that we end up crushing ourselves and saying that we did it wrong. But in fact, it’s like we were honoring ourselves and we’re actually taking ourselves closer to what we want. So it’s not about punishing ourselves when we’re actually getting what we want. You know, if we’re saying again, go, and you’re like, I want to go to a DJ set and that’s what you want to do. And someone says no, and you know, they see their way out. You’re actually getting closer to what you want. Going with someone that doesn’t really want to be there is actually taking you further away, putting you into, you know, self-deception and stuff. So yeah, it’s really hard. You can certainly backtrack and I felt this like, why did I have to say something? Why did I have to, you know, speak about my values? Why did I have to start honouring my values? And it’s like because I’ve become someone that can’t afford to have it any other way and celebrate that. Do you know what I started doing? I started taking myself to my favourite restaurant scene at the bar, and every time I lost something I started celebrating, but it was actually getting me closer to where I wanted to be. [63.8s]

FD [01:04:11] [01:04:11]I love I absolutely love that. It’s really hard to not notice that sometimes your environment really does affect you and plays a part. And secondly, to go and put yourself in those situations and almost like celebrate those moments that we’re not really taught to celebrate. You know, it’s such a juxtaposition of everything that maybe our habits would tell us. [73.6s]

CLT [01:05:25] [01:05:25]I just think that, you know, doing the opposite is ultimately what leads to heartbreak. You know, it’s where we lose ourselves or we begin pulling away, pulling away from the world. I was just talking to someone (my Uber driver) about one more thing that you do. So if you go out and sit at the bar, that one move could be the very thing that changes your life. And again, going back to curiosity, could that be a thing? But it also changes it impacts our wellbeing. It impacts our idea of ourselves. You know, if we’re constantly the hamster on the wheel doing the same thing, we might think of ourselves as a boring person or all that. But by doing something that deviates from our norm, it reminds us that we’re capable of adopting. We’re capable of trying to welcome ourselves into something different, and it only has to be that one time. And sometimes, you know, one time sitting at the bar, you know, it goes a long way back to the Uber drivers. One conversation. It was enough for me to keep on moving into the week and then again, but it’s about appreciating and honouring and celebrating that. One thing, you know, after we considered a bar and, you know, if something doesn’t happen, you know, if someone doesn’t buy us a drink, it’s a failed experience and it’s like, What are you doing that is worthy of celebrating? I remember I sat at this bar and I messaged my family and I said, you know, I was celebrating. And my dad goes, great, pick up the bill. And I was like, No one else is with me. Who else would pick up the bill? He thought I was out celebrating with friends. I was like, you know, I’m alone.  A guy ends up sitting next to me at the bar, and we ended up celebrating together. And it was an incredible conversation. And then he listened to my podcast and he went to an old episode, really old, like in the hundreds, and told me what he felt about it. This guy was a married man. So it’s not necessarily about pursuing anything. It’s not about pursuing anything with him.  But his conversation was relevant to the moment I was in and it was the very thing I needed to hear to grow beyond where I was. [154.7s]

FD [01:08:05] [01:08:05]You’ve given me goosebumps, and you will be the message that somebody else listening will no doubt need to hear. We have one last question on this podcast, which is what does becoming more human mean to you? [13.3s]

CLT [01:08:19] [01:08:19]I think becoming more human is becoming more universal. I think becoming more human is becoming more similar. You know, I think it’s about experiencing a range of emotions, often things that we don’t want to feel and realizing that being human rather than being a superstar is what gives us access to the majority, and it’s something that often humbles us. But in that humility, we’re able to honor the experiences of our lives and we’re able to, you know, root for ourselves. Becoming more human has, for me, made me a larger expression of love and appreciation. I’ve become more human in the last years, but I don’t have the things that I thought I needed in order to have joy, in order to dream big, in order to appreciate myself, I don’t have. Of the things that I thought I needed in order for other people to value me. Like I thought I needed a Ph.D.. I thought I needed, you know, love. Yeah. This thing. Money, more money. I’ve become more human in a sense. It’s become less about that and it’s become more about the connections. So I think becoming more human is about becoming more connected. [79.3s]